Hey Puerto Vallarta… we need to talk

Hey Puerto Vallarta… we need to talk

Or should I say,

Hola Puerto Vallarta… necesitamos hablar

Seriously… Should I say that? Like, does that make any sense? At all? My spanish is so muddled up that for all I know I could have just said “Hello Puerto Vallarta… there are too many eels in my hovercraft”. Your english is a lot better than my español so maybe let’s just stick to that where possible.

Firstly I have to complement you on your temperature. You’re hot. I don’t know how hot you are but your temperature hasn’t fluctuated more than one degree, regardless of day or night, for the entire time I’ve been here. You. Are. Hot. Perfectly hot. Your water is the perfect temperature too. Cool enough to be refreshing but warm enough to encourage long swims that cause me to prune up.

I also love the fact that you have an ozone layer! I can walk around all day in your perfect sun and I don’t get burnt. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. You see, Melbourne doesn’t have an ozone layer. Well, she does, but it has a great big hole in it so is isn’t super effective. Kind of like a boat with a hole in it? Or a bucket with a hole in it? Or a condom with a hole in it? Or.. yeah.. you get the picture.

Sorry.. I seem to have become accustomed to explaining myself with examples a lot more since I got to Mexico because nobody talk englishes very goodly here.

I’m also sorry for going on and on about my ex.. It’s just that Melbourne and I were together for a long time and our break up in still kinda fresh. At least I was honest with you from the start though, Puerto Vallarta, so we both knew that this was only ever going to be a bit of fun.

As it turns out, it was a lot of fun.

You have heaps of awesome water sports and activities. This is a good thing. From the doorstep of my 2 story beachfront mansion (designed for 12 people and occupied by 3)


you gave me so many options to choose from — parasailing, jet skiing, banana boat rides, yacht cruises, fishing. Thank you for being so hospitable and proving me with such an impressive list.

I did not participate in any of these activities. This is a bad thing. This is your fault. I don’t mean to point the finger, Puerto Vallarta, but when every Tomás, Dick and Haraldo is dragging me into (albeit very impressive) clubs until the sun is well and truly up, and forcing beers and shots down my throat (albeit not a huge amount of force being required) it doesn’t inspire  me (or my stomach) to strap in and feel the G’s or rock back and forth or do anything associated with the smell of fish.

Ok Puerto Vallarta, I guess if I’m being completely honest with you then there’s something else that I need to mention.

What’s the deal with the toilets?


I understand that Mexico is a 3rd world country and I understand that the plumbing can’t cope with toilet paper and therefore you put used toilet paper into a wastepaper basket that sits next to the toilet. I get that. I’m not loving it, but I get it and I can deal with it. But riddle me this Puerto Vallarta… How come you can afford bathroom attendants to turn the tap on for me when I wash my hands and pass me a paper towel but you can’t afford decent plumbing? How come you can afford coin operated, revolving doors on your regularly cleaned public toilets but you can’t afford decent plumbing? How come you can afford crazy futuristic toilets that can sense when you sit on them and then automatically flush when you stand up but you still can’t afford decent plumbing?!

Prioritize, Puerto Vallarta.


And I guess while I’m having a bit of a whinge I might as well mention your key demographic. You don’t seem to know who you’re aiming for. You have some cool night clubs, complete with girls dancing in cages (some would argue where they belong perhaps?), waiting staff to light ciggarettes, bring drinks and freshen ashtrays with ridiculous frequency. You have classy restaraunts and 20c taco stands — both providing excellent food. You have all of the aspects that people my age love… except you don’t have people my age. The average age of tourists is between 60 and 70. AND they’re all aremican. This is not a good thing. They have kids that are older than me, Puerto Vallarta. The technicolour luminecent dancefloors are not made for 70 year olds, no matter how hillarious it is when they give it a crack.

I understand that I’m being hypocritical by saying that not knowing what you want is a bad thing when I clearly have no idea what I want, but while I’m looking for a city that I can call my home I need some certainty and stability and I’m sorry to say that you do not provde this.

Like I said though, we both knew that this was only going to be a fling, and I enjoyed myself a lot. You delivered exactly what I needed to get me started on my journey but now it’s time to move on. You’re beautiful, warm and exciting but I have to remember that I’m still on the rebound and I’m just not ready to commit and be locked down in anything serious right now.

I’m heading to Puerto Escondido next and, who knows, I may even bump into a few other places along the way. I hope that we can stay in touch, even if it’s just as friends.

By the time you read this I’ll probably already be gone.



  1. Pauline Stewart said:

    Hilarious Tom !!!! Keep it coming love Pauline

  2. Sounds great Tom. I think Dad and I would fit right in with the Americans – especially if the played golf!

  3. harley said:

    This is fantastic swirl cat…more photos! Please convince Mitchy to change his flight! HE NEEDS THIS 😛 !!!!

  4. Say gday to the lovely Puerto Escondido for me – my favourite place in Mexico – Id recommend Green Lizard bar (or something liek that – its an after hours bar on the beach near Playa Zicatela. I wouldnt recommended hooking up with the local mafia and endulging in their local strip clubs, cafes and early morning fishing expeditions – or would I????

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