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Cancun

You know who you are Cancun.

I know who you are.

You need no introduction.

But hey Cancun… we really need to talk.

It’s not even so much that we need to talk, Cancun. It’s a lot more like, you need to listen.

You’ve stifled my creativity. You’ve left me uninspired and adrift in a sea (albeit a beautifully warm turquoise sea) of stubborn complacency. You’ve thrown me a curveball. You’ve done various other cliched things to me because that’s what you are… one big, fat, greasy, loud, Americanized, bright, tacky, overpriced and underaged cliche.

I loathe you.

I know it’s not the first time that we’ve met and perhaps I’m being a tad harsh but you and I are simply not suited to be in each others company.

This time I thought that trying a different angle could produce a different result. A different set of experiences and the formation of new positive connections in the brain. Let’s do everything opposite.

Last time I was with a girlfriend. This time I am with my mate. Last time I was on my way home after a long trip. This time I am just at the beginning. Last time I stayed in a hostel…

This time we go all out and splurge on an all inclusive 5 star resort.

Big Pimpin'

Hell yeah.

Last time I was with you it was mid August 2007. This time we came smack bang in the middle of SPRING BREAK 2012!

This perhaps proved to have been a slight error in judgement on our part.

I think of Spring Break as thousands of pretty, young, drunk American girls partying hard before heading back to their prestigious universities and colleges and resuming their academic journey. I envisage them as educated and cultured people who, after toiling away for much of the year, heads buried in books, get to let their hair down and party for a few short weeks. Fun, I thought. Interesting, I thought. An experience, I thought.

Well, an experience, yes. The other things? Nooooooooooo.

You see how many superfluous O’s I used there? Yeah. They actually aren’t superfluous. They are necessary to convey how serious that ‘NO’ is. I don’t want you thinking “oh, he’s probably just saying that”. No. Nooooooooo. I’m not.

Perhaps the first clue lies in the name of the establishment: ‘Krystal’ with a K. It screams tacky. Then it probably screams SPRING BREAK, chugs a light beer, high fives Chad and Taylor before promptly crushing a beer can on it’s head. We coined the term ‘Man-cun’ after realizing that the cute, cultured and educated girls that I spoke of above must have thought better than to waste their time in the disgrace town of an otherwise impeccably cool country, Mexico. 10:1 ratio of stupid, young American guys to stupid, young American female counterparts.

The ‘famous’ nightclubs were a shitshow to say the least. Sardines would burst into fits of laughter if they were to view how packed these ridiculous nightclubs are. All drinks included in the price of entry sounds great until you try to get a drink and can’t get served unless you are willing to wait half an hour with your face pressed against the sweaty back of a stranger who looks like an extra out of Jersey Shore and then tip the barmen some ludicrous amount of money, in US Dollars no less, for a watered down drink because American kids can’t hold their alcohol and don’t notice the difference anyway because they can’t even legally drink in their own backwards country.

It made me want to shoot myself in the face repeatedly.

BANG! BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

I did meet a couple of cool people though, I guess…

In reality I did meet some really cool people and it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge that. Not all Americans are idiots, nor are they all the stereotypical dropkicks that we are all guilty of imagining. It wasn’t all Americans either. Brazilians, Kiwis and a cool German guy were also in the mix to party with, along with a couple more Aussies scattered about the place for good measure.

I don’t want to rag on the whole Cancun experience that you offer either, because if it were truly as bad as I paint it then it wouldn’t be so popular each and every year. It just isn’t for me. I look at the cool places I’ve seen and I just can’t put you in the same sentence without cheapening them.

Maybe I’m just asking for trouble every time I come to visit you? Last time I was saying goodbye to a girl and then returning home with mixed emotions, and this time I’m saying goodbye to my mate and commencing the ‘by myself’ portion of my trip. It’s a lot to deal with!

Plus I broke my sunnies.

(that means ‘sunglasses’ for anybody who is Australian-language challenged)

I know it’s irrational and unfair, but I wholeheartedy blame you for that. And yes, I do have awesome orange and black striped backup sunnies, but it’s besides the point. You got me drunk and made me stand on my sunnies and it’s your fault.

Everything is your fault, whether it’s your fault or not. That’s why we can never be together.

And you know what else? I wasn’t going to mention this but it’s been really bugging me. Here is a picture of Nicko with a snake –

You know what I didn’t take a photo of? The tranq’d out baby lion cubs. You can pay to have your photo taken with a giant snake and it doesn’t really seem to bother the animal too much. Or you can manhandle a heavily sedated rag-doll child of the ‘king of the jungle’. Yeah, let’s dope up Simba and hoar him out to tourists to make some cash off him. And you know the worst part is? People actually loved it. People lined up to have their picture taken. I haven’t sworn in any of my letters to date but you really have a knack for bringing out the worst in me…

FUCK THAT SHIT CANCUN!

These horrible people would probably eat baby lion if it was offered to them – ‘makes you feel like a big man’.

Spring Break in Cancun. Tick. Scribble that off my bucket list with vigorous maniacal strokes that leave deep marks in the wooden table beneath.

Beat a bunch of American marines at beer pong. Twice. Tick that off the old bucket list too while I’m there.

Adios Cancun… I probably speak better Spanish than you at this point, so just in case you don’t understand that, I said goodbye.

I’m not gonna be here when you read this, but I hope that you do read it. No hard feelings.

TLH

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